Molestation and Abuse

Through out this blog, I have made several comments on my looks. It is not because I am a conceited individual, it is because I had to get you to see what my looks brought upon me. As I said before I did not know how to start talking about this chapter in my life, so I decided that the best thing to do was to just jump right into it. Here it goes. I cant exactly remember when the sexual abuse started between me and my male cousins. I have tried to think back and the first memory I have is of my cousin Sandy making fun of me saying i didn't have any hair down there and that something must be wrong with me, and how I was just a little girl. One day I was talking a shower, and Sandy came in and took my clothes, Her and my other cousin Ryan who was also older than me ripped the shower curtain open and stood staring at my body, making fun of the fact that I had no breasts and how boyish my body was, although Ryan was laughing and pointing, I saw something else in his eyes, something that told me this would not be the end of it. At the time, Sandy and I shared a bed because my other Cousin Sean  occupied the front room and even though that room had two beds and was next to my aunts, at the time I felt safer sleeping with Sandy. I soon learned how ever that Sandy and Ryan would mess around, I guess they were into that stage in life when they were exploring their sexuality. Ryan would come into the bed every night and he and Sandy would fool around, and i would turn my back to them. my aunt GOD bless her soul had no idea that this was going on. For a time Ryan ignored me and I was thankful for that. It didn't last long though. Soon he would turn to me in the bed and press his hard on into my buttocks, I would close my eyes and pretend to be asleep when this happened. But then he got bolder and bolder, he would reach his hand under my shirt and play with my chest while stroking himself, eventually it lead to him going inside my panties. Sandy got very jealous because he was not giving her the attention that she used to get so she told people at my school that I was sleeping with Ryan. He denied it, as did I in fear of what people would thing of me.  Things progressed to where he wanted to actually sleep with me, I begged him not to and told him he could put it between my legs instead because I was afraid... I didn't know what sex was. This continued for the majority of my stay in Jamaica, you may be wondering why I never told my aunt or my parents?? Ryan told me they would never believe you, Im blood and your adopted, they would just kick you out the family. So I kept my mouth shut. Sandy and I got into a huge fight one day and my aunt decided to separate us. I was now to share the big room with my cousin Sean. I thought this would be better for me, I mean Ryan would not be able to come into this room and start anything right?? WRONG. Slight leap into the future right here, I have a daughter who is three, her father passed away in 2010, and quite honestly I do not think I will ever be able to trust a guy around her not after what I have been through. Any guy who keeps harping about how pretty she is, or they want to spend time with my daughter is immediately on my shit list, because every man that has commented as to how pretty I was as a child has in some way, shape or form tried to defile my body. Anyway, back into the past I go. a few weeks into sharing the room with Sean..... he started to molest me as well.