Molestation and Abuse Cont.

The way the room was set up, our beds were right across from each other. It started with him reaching across and running his hands over my body, again i would pretend to be asleep. I started to hate my self because I believed that I was doing wrong and that was why this was happening to me. I started to hate my looks, my hair the way my body was because I thought as a result of me being pretty, this is what was happening I would pray to be ugly all the time. One night I was awoken out of my sleep to find Sean with his hand in my panties, while jerking off. I was so shocked, I jumped out the bed and ran to the door determined to tell my aunt because I just couldn't take it any more, as I reached for the door, he grabbed me and told me don't be stupid, who do you really think the would believe?? me or you?? the one who they dumped back down here because they didn't want you any more, today i would have shrugged him off and told my aunt, but back then I was scared from the fact that I thought it was happening because of me and also because of the fact that I really thought that my parents didn't want me any more. Again I said nothing, I started sleeping as far away from him as I could, with the sheets wrapped around me tightly so that if he tired anything I would feel it, I still sleep like that to this day. Another cousin of mine Dickey would visit from time to time and he was the worst of them all. He was at least 30 ish married with kids. He would sleep in Sandy's room when he came and he would pull me in there , drop his pants and tell me to stroke him. If I refused to do it he would pull me on top of  him, force me to sit there while he gyrated his hips under me until he came. Again as with the other two, I learned how to avoid him when he came around. The last and final incident I had with Sean happened when I fell outside and got a nasty cut on my leg. He insisted on putting dressing on the cut because he said it would get infected if he didn't. As he was dressing my cut he flung my dress up looked at me and asked " are you wearing a pad?? how dat pussy so fat???"  I snatched my leg from his grasp and ran out, he moved a few months later and I was able to breathe a little easier. Some of you must be saying how on earth did I go through all this, or maybe is this even real, Rest assured when I started writing this blog, I made a promise to recount everything in full, completely honest , no matter what the cost would be if the people who knew me the best, who I would eventually mention in this blog would get upset. I believe GOD gave me strength as my greatest  weapon, I have always known even as a child, how to bear things, store them away and not let them break me. This strength will be tested to its fullest when my fiance passed away, but I am getting ahead of my self, that is much later.The indecent behavior didn't not end at my cousins, there was the neighbor who lived next door, who would try to lure me with candy, or try to feel me up when my aunts back was turned, the guys who would hang out with Sandy, but I truly believe that the abuse from my cousins scarred me the worst. I had a deep seated hate for men, at times I still feel that rage shimmering inside me. To this day, I am still very self conscious of my self, and sex sometimes bring back flash backs. I would layer my clothes when I stared growing breasts and filling out my shape in fear that it would attract even more abuse. I hated my self,  and blamed myself for everything I would say maybe if I was ugly, maybe if i was truly family this wouldn't happen to me.... It forced me to grow up way too early... to know sexuality at a time when I should have been enjoying my child hood. It made me feel dirty and unclean, like I wanted to take my skin off and wash it wash it all off me.  But I couldn't do that of course, so I did the next best thing... I buried it deep inside, smiled and made my aunt and parents believe that I was happy, I couldn't, didn't want to be called ungrateful.