The Men, After Shamar.

When Shamar died, there was a deep, bottom less, empty void inside of me. I was walking and talking, but it was as if I was not within my body, like I was looking down upon myself, trying to figure out how to come down. The one thing I hated the most was sleeping in that bed alone, I felt the need for company, any kind of company, because as long as someone was around me, it would keep me from losing my mind, keep me from taking my own life. First there was M.G. He gave me his shoulder to cry on and it felt good to be able to talk to someone anyone. Then came D. F. a real sweetheart. My daughter loved him. He started to get feelings for me and I had to end it, I at the time was incapable of feelings, had no intentions of being in a relationship, because half of me still believed that Shamar would knock on the door and tell me it was all a joke. He couldn't understand and I eventually stopped seeing him. Before I lost my apartment in 2010, I met another guy, who I would affectionately call my boy toy, J.B. He was a dark, chocolate skinned brother a stripper, who also went to school and had his own place. To this day he hands down has the biggest dick I have ever seen up close and personal. During my time with J.B. I was bouncing from place to place and he was my escape. I would go to his house, and chill, drink and watch TV. He kinda opened the door to the freak side of me, cause he was able to talk me into a threesome, two girls of course. I still keep in contact with him, because he was there in a time when my life was in utter chaos and his sex game is on point lol.  And now my most current lover. G. I remember our first kiss, it was in a club, and I swear when his lips touched mines, it was like we were the only people in the room. I have never felt such a strong, instant attraction to anyone before. With G. I have completely come out of my self, I have never been more comfortable around a man. Its like he knows just the right places to touch and I cant get enough. Quite honestly with him, its not only about the sex. I love every minute spent with him. Just being next to him, quells the raging storm in my heart. When I am with him I am happy and alive. I don't know where this is going to lead....

BF's And Casual Encounters Continued

So, who did I actually sleep with for the first time?? I was 18 and I remember the first time he came into the library,Trinidadian,  tall, skinny, long Indian hair down his back, I was in lust. At the time he was talking to a coworker of mine, but every time he came by I couldn't help but stare. They eventually broke up, and he would still come by the library. One day I asked if I could touch his hair and that's how we started talking. D.D.M. was the ultimate dreamboat to me, we would go to the park and I would just lay on him and we would talk for hours. Anyway, one day he asked me to come with him to his friends house so we could watch TV and chill. Things just sorta happened first we were kissing, then touching and then my stockings were gone, then my panties. At that point I became nervous and started to push him off, but he whispered in my ears to just relax. I would be lying if I said it was the best first time. He had no rhythm or maybe he was afraid of hurting me what ever it was, it was wack. My first time was on the floor in someone else apartment to a man a man because he was 26, who didn't know what he was doing. I slept with him three more times, and he didst get better, I was disappointed because the girls at school made it seem that sex was this wonderful thing and it just wasn't for me. I stopped talking to him when I came to Jersey for school. Then came K.N. my short stuff.  Light skinned, a thug in every way possible., but funny, romantic and smart at the same time. He wore me out. K.N. could literally go for hours. I stayed over by him one night and we had sex the whole night through, until I begged him to stop cause I couldn't go anymore. I never claimed him as my man, and later on he slept with my best friend and I stopped talking to the both of them for a long time. Then came college and yes you can say I experimented in a way I never thought I would. It was with a girl, S.M.B She was one of the popular girls on campus and I was drawn to her personality, she is one of those people that you just cant help but like. She had a girlfriend, but that didn't really stop anything sad to say, we messed around on and off, when ever her girl went away for the holidays. I have lots of love for her, because we were able to talk about any and everything, she will always have a place in my heart. Sadly, I still hadn't experienced an orgasm with any of these people, that is until I met Shamar.

BF's And Casual Encounters

This part of my blog is the most intimate and revealing of my life. I will refrain from putting full names, how ever I will be using first name initials. I will not be talking about Shamar, my daughters father in this section, because he will have a section devoted completely to him. I know you know the saying, when a woman tells you her sleeping partners, you need to add at least ten more to the list, to that I say do as you must, but I am honestly and willing recounting all the sexual encounters I have had in my 24yrs of life. So let me begin. Thanks to the abuse from my cousins, I was knowledgeable in the ways of guys and what they really wanted at the end of the day. I perfected my game of teasing and manipulation, I would reel them in, only to hurt them because I wanted to share the pain, (more like inflect  it actually) I suffered at the hands of my cousins. My first every puppy love as its called was J.L.B. I was in the seventh grade in Jamaica and he was a Senior. When ever I saw him I would get all girly and giggly. He was the person who gave me my first kiss, I was sitting on the sofa beside him, and he just leaned over and kissed me. I was so flustered, that I jumped up, and ran home. Looking back now, I cant help but think about what was going through his mind when I did that. That was all I shared with him, because I left Jamaica that summer to come back to the U.S.  Shortly after starting school back up here, I met another guy, K.D.K. I was 14 and he was 20. He was tall, Jamaican, funny, full of life, a nice sexy body, willing to go to the ends of the world for me. He was the one who showed me how to french kiss properly, I would sneak him into my apartment when my dad left to go bet on horses. K.D.K. fell in love with me, he is one of the first guys that actually fell head over heels for me, but I felt nothing for him in return. He was just an amusing past time, I would laugh at how he would drop whatever he was doing just to come see me. K.D.K. stayed on the outskirts of my life all through high school. Things at times got pretty steamy between us, but I never slept with him, although I thoroughly enjoyed the blue balls I gave him. In my junior year of high school, I started drifting away from him, as I was talking to other people, this made him upset and he would stalk me, sit out side my school, drive behind me as I was walking home, leave me messages on my phone, singing me songs, it got to the point where I told him that if he couldn't control him self and relax I would have to tell my parents or the police about him. He calmed down and I kept him around as a friend. M.B. was a boy, I call him a boy because I was always attracted to older men, and he was two years younger than me, worked at the supermarket around the corner from my house. I just used him so that he would carry my bags for me when I went shopping. The only thing we ever did was kiss and after a while I got bored with him. He, however is the first and only guy my father caught me with, (no not in that sense), keep in mind how strict my parents were., I was walking back from the supermarket and M.B. had his arm around me and my father nearly had a heart attack. I played it off and told my dad that he was just the guy who worked at the supermarket and he was helping me with the bags. My mother, shockingly enough told my dad that she knew him and that he was a good kid. M.B. moved to Philly in 2005, he stayed in touch with me for a while, but when I stopped returning his calls, I lost touch with him, until I found him again on Myspace, where I learned that he was an expectant father. G.G. I will never forget him. I would walk home from work and walk on his side of the street on purpose. He was tall, nice hair, another Jamaican. He excited me because he was a bad boy, the type that my parents tried to steer me far, far away from. One day he chased me down the street, wrote his number on a match box and told me to call him. I would go to his house sometimes instead of going to work, or I would lie and say I had a project for school just so that I could go see him. At first all we would do is kiss, because that's all I would allow, honestly that's all I knew how to do and at the time I was 17yrs old. After a while, I guess he got tired of that and made a rule in which I couldn't get into his bed unless I took my clothes off. At first I refused, as I was still ashamed of my own body, but then I obliged and I would be in my panties and bra around him. The one memory I will have of G.G. is this, one day I was at his house and I was on top of him kissing him, he reached inside my panties and finger popped me, I was so shocked and ashamed that I literally jumped off him, and landed on the floor. He was looking at me like I was crazy and to this day we still share a laugh over it. I cant really say how me and G.G. stopped talking, it just sort have happened, He was the first guy that I gave the title of boyfriend to and he  is one of the few guys that I had true feelings for....

Skool Dayz

When I came back to the U.S. my parents decided that catholic school would be a better choice for me. So in 2001 I was enrolled into St. Catherine Of Genoa. It was hard for me to adjust because it was the 8th grade and everyone knew everyone. I was the true outsider. Anyway, after a while I made friends and fell into the American way of schooling. While I wasn't the smartest person in my graduating class, I did pretty well, even made student of the month a few times. The only significant thing that I can recall in my one year at St. Catherine was 9/11. I remember we were in religion class and for the first time ever, the city was QUIET. It was like everything was at a stand still, that was what first alerted me that something was wrong, I mean Brooklyn is NEVER quiet. Then the office started call students one by one to tell them that their parents would be coming to pick them up. When my dad came for me and my brother ( oh yea, we were going to the same school) he refused to tell us what was going on. When we got home, I turned on the TV and saw the second tower going down, at first I thought I was watching a movie, I saw people jumping out the towers, the the towers crumbling I couldn't believe it. That is something that I will never forget. I graduated from St. Catherine in 2002 and restarted my high school days. At first I was going to go to a public high school, till at the last moment my mother decided to get me into Catherine McAuley, an ALL GIRLS high school. McAuley wasn't half bad. In the beginning of my freshman year, I was in a group of friends that consisted of five girls, however as the years progressed, that group some how got smaller until I only had one single friend who I did everything with, Patricia. In high school, my name never left the honor roll list, it got to the point where it seemed as though my parents was so used to me being up there that they stopped caring when I would come home and say that I made the honor roll once again.I was in everything, Art club, math club, essay writing club, even became a cheerleader because it was something to do and it keep me away from home just a little while longer. I was inducted into the National Honor Society in my sophomore year of high school, that was a big accomplishment for me, for I was proving to myself that I just wasn't another pretty face. I cant say that I knew my classmates very well and I'm sure they would say the same about me, because I never took the time to know any of them, It was always just me and patty. Sometimes I wish that I had taken the time to know them better, seeing what amazing women some of them have turned out to be. I stayed out of trouble, kept my grades up, and made sure that I had enough extra curricular activities to make any college happy when I started filling out their applications. In fact the only time I came close to being in serious trouble at school was when I played a prank on this girl. I called her mother from the clinic I was volunteering at , and told her she was pregnant. It was harmless fun for me, but her mother came to the school  after they figured out who made the call. I was called to the principals office, I thought for sure my parents would be involved but nothing much came of it. In the ending of my junior year, I got a job at the Brooklyn Public Library as a teen peer mentor. I was part of a program called Teen Edge that aimed at having fun programs in the library that kids could attend and hopefully it would keep them off the streets and out of gangs. It was a very good job, I met a whole new group of friends, got the chance to express my self more, and I felt that I was really influencing some of the kids that came to the program. But even there the curse followed me, one day my boss Ralph came up to me and told me that he needed me to go with him to the Brownsville Library cause they needed help there. When we arrived to the destination, I say that we were no where near the library and he said that He wanted to take me out to dinner, catch a movie and the maybe go back to his house for drinks, I was only 18 at the time. I politely told him that we would have to do this some other time, because my brother was coming to the library and if he didn't see me he would tell my parents and I would get into a lot of trouble. He took me back to Linden and made me swear not to tell anyone, as soon as I got back into the library, I told my other supervisor what had happened. A week later, after a meeting with the higher heads of the library , he was fired. I resigned from the library in July of 2006, because I would be going away for college. So, as you can guess in 2006, I graduated from Catherine McAuley with an academic scholarship to Georgian Court University, another all girls school in Lakewood NJ, and it is here that my life took the ultimate plunge.