The Burial.

Death is a funny thing. it can be slow and painful, or it can come swift and unexpected. It reaches out and snatches those we love and leaves behind an empty, dark void. It's residue lingers on the living, long after it has gone. It lingers in the tears shed on lonely nights, the nostalgic moments that tantalize the senses, a place you once visited together, the slight scent of a familiar perfume floating through the air. The deceptive moments when you think you hear their voice and you whip around, hopeful and expectant only to find an unfamiliar face, unfamiliar eyes searching yours. The light brush of something against your skin that reminds you of how you once touched each other, the taste of a familiar dish that unrelentingly reminds you of the many meals you shared together. Yes, it is cruel how death lingers and I do believe it never leaves, it just gets more and more  hidden in the shadowy recesses of our minds, only to come forth at our lowest points to remind us of our loss.

The morning Shamar passed, I was home with our daughter. For some reason I could not sleep so I decided to make breakfast. I always revisit this memory from time to time because I believe Shamar came home after he died. I remember placing the plate on the table, on the very edge, not intentionally for the door bell had started ringing, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw the plate being pushed back away from the edge. I didn't really pay it much mind then as who ever was ringing the bell was being really persistent and I was feeling the first tickles of annoyance. I swung the door open fully prepared to give who ever it was a piece of my mind, only to find Shamar's mother and boyfriend standing there.

I think I already knew what they were going to say, and deep down I also think I knew he was never going to make it, but still, I was not prepared. She looked at me and said "Shamar is gone", I looked at her stupidly and said " What do you mean he's gone?' She stepped inside and said " He died Debbie, Shamar is Gone."  it felt as if someone took a knife and slammed it into my chest, the world went dim, as if I was looking through a piece of cloth covering my eyes. I felt numb, as if my body no longer belonged to me, as if someone else was hearing this terrible news for surly it couldn't be true, my Shamar could not be gone. I collapsed on the floor and let out a cry, it wasn't a human cry, and I'm sure I can never utter such a sound again. It was etched with such pain, such hurt, and disbelief, it sounded like a wild animal. I screamed that I  never even got to say goodbye and I kept repeating it in shock on the floor. His mother tried to hug me but I cringed back and asked them to leave, I said I needed a moment to collect my self. She Offered to take Essence and I agreed because I was in no state of mind to watch her. After they left I remember climbing into bed, pulling the covers about me and just staring off into nothing. I stayed that way for most of the next day as well, as if unable to move, for fear that if i moved my sanity would break, that if I moved, I would have to acknowledge the fact that he was gone, that I would never hear him turn the key in the door, I would never see him smile, hear his laugh, or smile at all the silly things he would do. I believed that me sitting in that bed would some how freeze time, freeze the horrible truth that was.

On July 8th, his mother came and dragged me out the house. I had to give my job notice and I also had to go to Asbury to meet his whole family. the whole time I felt as though I was walking under water, everything seemed to be moving in slow motion, sounds seemed faded , the sun was shining but everything looked cloudy to me. My eyes were hidden behind shades, as they were nearly swollen shut from crying. I went into Shoprite and told my manager at the time that I would be taking a leave of absence as my fiance had just passed away. Everyone hugged me and I saw the pity in their eyes and although i know they meant well, I felt so detached in that moment it was as if I watching my self being hugged from somewhere far away. that sense of detachment stayed with me as I met his extended family. I responded when spoken to, even managed to smile at times, but it was as if I was reading from a script, nothing felt real. I was in a room full of strangers, and the only family I had outside of my daughter was gone, I have never felt so alone in my life.

Shamar was laid to rest on July 10th, 2010.  It was raining that morning , as though the heavens were just as sad as me and were crying over this enormous loss. I got dressed and headed to the funeral with his mother. I made the decision to not have essence there as I didn't not want that to be the last memory she had of her father. The funeral started and everyone had many nice things to say. When it was my turn to speak, i went up and unfolded a letter Shamar had written to me a month before he got really sick. In this letter he expressed his love for me. he said he had always had a thought of what his wife would look and be like and he had felt like he had found such a person in me. he said he had never loved a girl before me and having me in his life made him want to strive to be a better person. At the back of the note he wrote this ; Shamar + Debbie = Essence forever. My eyes filled with tears and I could read or say no more for my throat had closed up. I turned and walked over to him, laying so peacefully, so handsome, it looked as if he was only sleeping and I gave him a kiss on the lips one last time and whispered in his ear " I Love You". I managed to keep my composure until we were at the grave sight and they started lowering his coffin. It was in that moment that I realized that he was gone, he was really dead and now I was really and truly alone in this world. I lunged forward after his casket only to be held back by his family while screaming " why God?, why did you have to take him from me?" They walked me to the car and I was done, drained of everything. now I would have to figure out how to live in a world with out Shamar, a world void of happiness and light.