Life With Sha

Tonight is a bad night. The devil has perched himself upon my shoulder and he is replaying Shamar s last months of life over and over for me. So before I cry my eyes out and completely destroy the work I've done so far to my heart, I decided to write for a bit. Now life with this man wasn't a bed of roses. He wanted me to stay home and take care of the house, but sometimes when he got stressed over the bills and stuff he would yell and say that I needed to get a job, and every time I got hired somewhere he would break down and beg me to stay home. That was one of the many continuous arguments we had. Shamar was a rare find. He danced with me for no reason, came home with random gifts and always made sure that I had what I needed. He was however very frugal with money. He never spent more than he had to and insisted that we lived a very simple life. He stopped working at Shoprite and picked up something else. I won't say what at this time. Still debating as to whether or not I should speak upon it. He always said he did what he did because I came and made him want to be a better man, that he felt he had to do that to keep a girl like me. As much as he was loving, he was also over protective. He would always tell me that he was afraid that one day I would find someone better and I would leave him, no matter how much I would try to tell him that would never happen, he never believed me. He liked when I stayed home, and it took him over a year before he formally introduced me to his family. There isn't really much more to stress on our home life, he did what he did and I cooked, cleaned etc, etc. On April 19th, 2008 I gave birth to our daughter, Essence Nyota Taylor and my life changed forever. Being a mother came natural to me and she was a good baby. Shamar was a proud as can be, which relieved me because so many men that age tend to take off and not stay with their family. having a child only made him work harder and he stayed out more and more, so majority of the time I was home alone. I admit I got stir crazy because I didn't drive and sometimes I just wanted to get out the house. Essence as I said before was an easy baby. Hardly cried and was very sociable. She never crawled, one day she just stood up and walked. She stopped her self on the bottle at nine months and gave up her pacifier soon after. Her first words was DaDa and the day when she finally said  mama I swear I almost melted into the ground. We settled into a routine and things were going smooth for a while. But with the good in life, there comes the bad. There was a girl, his best friends girl, that he came home on day and told me about... he said she was flirting with him but it wasn't nothing serious and that I didn't need to get angry. I believed him, because I was naive and because I never thought he would do that to me. However when I finally met this girl, I knew within my self that he lied about nothing happening  She acted as though she was wifey and I was the intruder. I confronted him about it and he denied it completely. To this day, Only God can tell me that he didn't cheat on me. After that my trust in him cracked and I never really looked at him the same. In 2010, he got arrested  after getting a fight. He was locked up for over a month and I stayed right by his side. I made sure he had money on his books and i wrote him everyday. I never thought that I would be one day visiting someone in jail, but I did it for him, because I loved him and a real woman dose not turn he back when things get rough. When he came home, it was like he was a different man. He wrapped me in his arms the minute he walked into the door and said I love you girl... and handed me a letter, a letter in which he told me how much he loved me, how much I changed him, how I made his future bright, that him plus I equaled Essence, eternal love. I was blown away by this change. He stopped going to his friends house and he was home more. I couldn't ask for any thing more. I strongly believed his time locked up made him realize that he had all he needed at home. But with most things in my life, this period of happiness was short lived, a few months later, he got very ill and passed away. I am tempted to continue on, but alas, I'm not quite ready to face what I must write next...