A Girl To A Woman

Hi everyone, It's been a while ... I'm now currently working two jobs, don't have the time for my self, much less to blog, but today I found a little free time and decided to pick up where I left off. Now I don't know if any of you are wondering why I chose to write my first pregnancy at the end of the last blog, if you were, well here is the answer : Essence was my second pregnancy. My first pregnancy was a big shocker..... we were using condoms and after missing my period, which is always on time, I took a test and it came back positive. Shamar and I were in a state of shock. I was panicking because there was no way I could tell my parents that I was pregnant and I was more worried about what I would do with school. He was in no way shape or form ready for a child. After much discussion between him and I we decided that a baby was not in our cards at the time. Now while I was going through this dilemma , you would think that I would be able to turn to my best friend for advice and support, I got none of that. She was always incapable of being there for me when I was going through anything emotional, to shine some more light on her, I have dedicated my next blog to her. Anyway to make a long story short we lost our first child, you can use your guess work in infer what happened. After that I was no longer an innocent little girl. I struggled with emotions that I had no outlet to turn to. A few months later, I became pregnant again. This was during summer break, when I had went back to Brooklyn one last time to try to smooth things over with my parents. That was a HUGE mistake. The few days, yes I only stayed there a few days, I was forced to listen to my mother go on and on about how she didn't think that I was ready for a boyfriend and that she firmly believed that I should wait until after I graduated from college before I even considered dating... was this woman crazy?????? she even brought my neighbor from downstairs to come talk to me..... her view was that he was going to use me as a bed post , love me then leave me... like how the men in her life had treated her. It eventually came down to my mother saying that it was either I stopped talking to Shamar and continue to live that confined, suffocating life or I could just go. Now please remember that I have been fighting my mother for freedom for as long as I could remember, at this point I was tired of it all, I was going on 19 and she still wanted to have that lease around my neck, she still wanted to control, I HAD ENOUGH!!!!! So I called Shamar and told him to come get me, that is the last time I saw my parents face to face, that was the summer of 2007 and I am writing this today April 1st 2013 and I have yet to see my parents. I came back to Jersey and me and Shamar spent my summer vacation at his mothers house. It was during that time that I became pregnant with Essence. I started my second year at GCU pregnant and unsure about my future. Shamar finally got a place of his own and the decision was made that I would eventually move in with him. I hid my pregnancy for as long as I could, I was almost six moths before I started telling people. I figured that as long as I kept my grades up, I would continue school right up until I was about to give birth, boy was I wrong. Now because I was filed as a dependent under my mother, my school needed her to resend her tax papers so they could release my grants and loans so that I could continue my second year, and being the conniving , evil woman that she is, she refused to send them. She said that if I was woman enough to move out then I should be woman enough to figure out how to continue my education with out her. So because of her refusal to send in the much needed paper work, I was unable to complete my second year at college.... yea thanks MOM. Heart broken with the knowledge that I could not come back to GCU, after all my heard work in High School, I became depressed and stopped going to my class, what was the point?? I packed my bags the ending of the 2007 winter semester and I never looked back. I handed in my student life and immediately picked up the housewife, mother routine, with no break in between. I went from this sheltered, innocent girl, to a pregnant woman running a house almost over night.