The Beginning Of The Great Divide

In December 2006, I left New Jersey to go back to Brooklyn for winter break. I said Good Bye To Shamar, Packed and headed home. I was very apprehensive about seeing my parents. I had a tattoo, chocolate covered cherries on my stomach and I knew my mother was going to have a heart attack over it, and I also planned to tell them about Shamar. just as I suspected when my mother found out about the tattoo, courtesy of my brother, she looked at me with disgust and said she couldn't believe that I laid on a table and had a stranger put his hands on my stomach... I told her she was overreacting , my father agreed with me, because he also had a tattoo. Then came the big news. I remember sitting in the living room with my parents watching TV and I just blurted out that I had a boyfriend. Immediate silence followed. My mother said, what do you mean you have a boyfriend?? that's not what we are sending you to school for, please note here that I was eighteen years old, and she still believed that I shouldn't be dating. I calmly told her that yes, I was dating a guy and his name was Shamar, at this point my father left the living room. As was the case most of the time, he left when he sensed an impending battle between my mother and I. She then asked me what he did, I said he worked in a supermarket. She got up, looked at me and said  your dating someone who works in a supermarket??????!!!!!!!!  my mother is a very superficial woman, I feel I must add that to this statement so you can understand or perhaps maybe even hear the disdain and contempt dripping off her words. My mother always had to have the best clothes, the best car, we lived in the hood and she had a BMW car, she sent us both to private school, not because she could afford it, but because she felt that she was better than everyone else in the surrounding area. NO, I'M NOT bashing my mother for sending me to a good school, I'm simply stressing the reason why I went there. My mother I believe to some extent resented my father because he was a stay at home dad and he didn't work for the longest time. She would always tell me that when I was ready for a man, I should look for a WHITE man with a briefcase, because a white man knew how to take care of his woman better that a black man could. That was the ideals of my mother and that is why she asked me in such a tone, your dating someone who works in a supermarket????!!!!! I asked her in a controlled voice, although the anger was simmering in my stomach what was wrong with someone who worked in a supermarket ? she said I could do so much better, That for crying out loud, I was in college on an academic scholarship and the best thing I could find was a bum who worked in a supermarket. You see, she was totally focused on the fact that he worked in a supermarket. At this point, I feel I need to shed some light on the person that is I, so you can understand why, when I could have easily dated anyone I wanted, I chose Shamar. I have never been a female that required much. Yes I was blessed to be easy on the eyes, but I never used that to my advantage. I never chased the guys with the fancy cars, or the ones who were decked out in fancy clothes. I guess you can say I'm a wholesome girl. Now, to the skeptics, IF I wanted a man with money and the cars and the jewels, I could have, time and time again, even today as I sit here, three years single, I could have that if I wanted to.... things like that never amused or caught my eye. That is something that my mother could never understand and she never will. I simply told her that at least he had a job and was doing something productive, and not standing on the street corner. She shook her head in disgust and left the room. This was the first match to the fuse that would eventually light and explode with me leaving and never looking back. The rest of my winter break was uneventful, as I wasn't allowed to go anywhere. I spent my days trapped in the apartment, and my nights talking on the phone with Shamar. I couldn't wait to go back to Jersey. I honestly believe that if my parents were less constricting I would be writing this under completely different circumstances. In January 2007, I returned to Georgian Court, resumed my studies and my relationship with Shamar flourished even more, leading to my first pregnancy.

The Beginning Of Him And I

I hardly write these chapters back to back, but today I felt like taking a little more out of my treasure chest of memories. After giving Shamar my number, we started talking on the phone frequently.I learned that he was two years older than me and he had lived in Jersey his whole life. he had no kids, lived with his mother because he had to leave college due to him being sick. He worked at Shoprite and was a football star in his home town of Neptune. I was surprised at how comfortable I was talking to him. One night after a party on campus  he invited me and Patricia over to his house. When we arrived he initially started out like any other typical man, he started to caress me, asking me if i was hot, that I had too much clothes on. I cant explain how angry I was, that he thought that I was just some common hood rat off the street. I kept my cool however because Patricia was hitting it off with his friend. I told him, no I wasn't hot and that he was making me uncomfortable. He took the hint and eased off. That night when he dropped us back to the school, I had already made up my mind that I was no longer interested in him, I didn't even hug him before he left, but for what ever reason it was, I never deleted  his number. a few days passed and I heard nothing from him and I was pleased , thinking that maybe he figured out that I wasn't interested. Boy was I wrong. One night my dorm phone rang and I answered it, guess who it was? Shamar! As I started in my attitude voice, he told me he had been arrested for tickets and the whole time he was in jail, he was thinking of me, that he was going to write me but he didn't know the exact address to my school. That right there shut me up and my heart literally smiled. We started talking again and he would visit me on campus regularly...... however he did a complete 180, were as before he was trying to get in my pants the first night, he now came and sat all the way at the edge of my bed, no touching, no kisses nothing. It got to the point where I told Patricia and Alleyne that maybe he wasn't into to me or something. Finally one night, when he came over with pizza he gave me a kiss on the cheek. So when did we actually share our first real kiss you might be asking?? on October 12th 2006. Yes I remember that day well, It was my birthday and the school was throwing a Latin party that I invited him to. After the party he walked me to my dorm, I was a bit cold and he took off his shirt and wrapped it around me, as I opened the door to step inside, he grabbed my arm and asked for a kiss, it was on of the best kisses of my life, I felt like my heart was leaping out my chest. From that moment on that man had my heart. I started spending more and more time with him. While in class, I couldn't wait to get out so I could see him. One night while sitting in his living room, he quietly asked me to be his girl and I said yes. A few days later he introduced me to his mother, the bitch that would later ruin what ever life I had left. As you can imagine, I started spending less and less time on campus and Patricia wasn't very pleased with it., but what could I do? I was in love. Shamar and I.... well we were like rabbits lol. I couldn't get enough of him and neither could he... we had marathon sex... minutes turned into hours, where we just laid and learned about each other. This was all in the space of three months I might add.I felt like I had known him my whole life and I often wondered how did I exist with out him before? My life I felt, was finally complete.  It was winter break at school and I had to go home and tell my parents that I had a boyfriend.. I dreaded this so much because I knew my parents would make a big deal over it even though I was eighteen years old, they still thought they could treat me like I was ten. This is what lead to the ultimate break between my family and I.

Fates Alignment.... How I Met Shamar...

I have been having mixed feelings about this day. The day when I would have to start writing about Shamar. Many are wondering who is Shamar and why is it so hard to write about him??? Shamar was the father of my child and fiance. Just the mere thought of him as I sit here, sends my stomach in a roll and that old familiar, bitter sweet ache starts within my heart and that ache will continue to grow until it reaches its crescendo and hot, burning tears will pour from my soul, through the outlets of my eyes. This chapter, which will be broken down some, for it is a lot to write and very emotionally taxing for me, will be the hardest to write. I have gathered my wits around me.... here it goes.

I remember the first time I met him as if it was just yesterday. I have always believed that the ones who mean the most to you, you tend to  remember the very first encounter, the first embrace, the magic of it all, no matter how much time has passed. It was a sunny autumn day in September. Patricia, Alleyene and I decided that we would talk a walk to the little shopping plaza just a few blocks away from the school. I remember that I didn't want to go, I was having a lazy day. However, they ended up dragging me. That is why I named this chapter fates alignment because I firmly believe that I was meant to met Shamar that day. Upon entering the plaza, we went to the Chinese restaurant to order some food. My eyes immediately fell on this  guy sitting in the corner eating what I assumed to be an egg roll, he later told me it was in fact a shrimp roll. He was well built, that I could see even in his sitting position, had braids, which at the time was the biggest turn on for me and the most captivating smile. Now, because I was used to men making the first move, I glanced at him, then went and sat with my friends, thinking that he would say something to me, he instead finished his roll, looked at me one last time and walked out the door! I was floored. Yes I realize that made me sound conceited but I assure you that I am far from being that, I have never had a guy show interest through stares but not do nothing. Anyway, My friends and I went into the Shoprite, the local grocery store to buy some odds and ends. Upon leaving the store, I encountered Shamar again. and he still didn't do anything! So, (a very first for me) I walked over and started a conversation with him under the ruse that my friend Patricia was interested in another cashier that was working in the store. He told me he had no idea who the guy was, he had just started working there and as I turned away he asked " but what about you though?"  " whats your name? are you from around here?" I told him I was from Brooklyn and that I was out here for school. He then asked for my ID. I laughed and showed him... and then he looked me in my eyes and said the words that would entwine our lives forever " so, can I give you a call sometime?" I eagerly gave him my number and in that instant, with out knowing it until further down the line, I wasn't only giving him my number, I was giving him my self as well.

College Life....

In August 2006, I left my haven in Brooklyn, NY and crossed the Holland Tunnel into New Jersey to start my life as a university student. After fighting with my parents, I finally decided to attend Georgian Court University, an all girls university in Lakewood, NJ. My best friend at the time Patrica was going to be my room mate. I cannot tell you how excited I was to get away from my parents, I couldn't wait to see their headlights retreating out my life. College life was wonderful to me. No curfews , no nagging parents, parties that I could now go to freely, I felt for the first time in my life that I was living, that I had finally found the freedom that I have been yearning for. However, as with most people who go away from home for the first time, it got to my head a little and my grades fell in the first semester... that was a wake up call to me, and I quickly got back on track the next semester. My days at GCU was filled with classes, hanging with my best friend, walking around Lakewood and exploring the campus. My nights were filled with the occasional party, friends, mostly my guy friends from Brooklyn stopping by to visit, music blasting from our room and me and Patricia dancing around acting a fool. I never did make a whole lot of friends in college, then again I never was one with a lot of friends to begin with. My circle in college consisted of Patricia, Alleyne ( another friend from high school) and my self. We affectionately started calling our group PDA. There was always the occational fight with another clique but that was expected in a school filled with nothing but girls. The only other friend that I had outside this circle was a girl named Shannon. Shannon... boy how do I explain her?? lol. She was a year ahead of me and I really don't even know how we started talking. Her clique was called MSA and a lot of trouble started when MSA started Hanging out with PDA. The girlfriends of MSA didn't like us one bit and we got approached from time to time to leave their women alone lol.  She was the first girl I ever kissed and I guess I loved her in my own way. We still talk to this day and she will always hold a place in my heart. There Isn't really much more I can write about my college days because I only completed a year and a half, before my life went in the total opposite direction.