Myspace, You tube, Facebook. Coming Into My Sexuality....

In my junior year of high school, I guess you can say one day I realized that I wasn't that bad looking. I stopped being afraid of my body and instead I started to embrace it. I remember the first time I posted a picture on line. It was like a rush to read the comments, to know that people found me attractive and wanted to get to know me, but most importantly it was exciting because my parents knew nothing about it. I immediately became addicted to the internet. I was on majority of the sites, name a site and most likely I was on it. I soon progressed from just taking pictures of my face to pictures of my body. Never naked pictures, I had enough sense to know not to do that, but all my pictures were sexy and very, very suggestive. I was in a period where I loved my body and I wanted to flaunt it. This was a far cry from the girl who used to double up on her bras to hid her breasts while growing up. My friends list grew bigger and bigger, mostly on Myspace. I had people who wanted me to model, people who wanted me to be in music videos, but I always declined because that just wasn't for me. Mostly though it was just people trying to get into my pants, and I could never blame them, my pictures were all about sex. I did however met a few people over the internet that are now very near and dear to me and I will be discussing them in an upcoming section. Then there was you tube. My time on there was very short lived, but I'm quite sure there are still some videos of my antics still out there. While many people might say that I was being thirsty and starving for attention, for me it was my way to defy my parents to control something, to do something that they weren't able to have a say in. Also it was somewhat a chain breaker for me, it freed me from the shackles of my childhood abuse, it made me love my self again, and not be ashamed of the way God made me.... today I'm only on Facebook, and I must say that while some may say my pics are still a bit sexy, they are way more demure than what I had posted before. These days my mouth is more dirty than my pictures LOL...

The Distance Between My Mother and I...

Now that I've discussed  all the partners I've had in my life so far, it is time for me to regress and speak about the relationship I had with my parents throughout high school and how that led to my infamous Myspace and Facebook days. To begin with, I had very strict parents. Throughout high school, I wasn't allowed to go on dates, wasn't allowed to go anywhere with friends, all my calls were tracked, I was stifled. I would go to school and hear how the girls went to the movies, or out partying and I remember longing to be able to go out just once and have some fun. My mother and I never got along for more than a short period of time. We would always but heads over things and my father never said anything, he would just allow her to make the decisions. After a while, I started to harbor deep feelings of resentment towards her. My last year in high school, things between me and my mother got worse. I was working at the library and I took over paying my phone bill, my mother still insisted on seeing who I was calling and I started to refuse her that right. I guess you can say that I was at the point where I've had enough of the constant control. Many people wondered why I would leave New York to go to college in New Jersey, it was quite simple you see, I had to get away, it was more of a need actually. I wanted to stretch my wings and I wanted to experience the world. Even applying to colleges was a fight with my mother. I clearly remember when I got the first of many college acceptance letters, my mother read the letter and in her ignorance shrugged her shoulders and said no scholarship??? I was so hurt, In my mind I had a picture of her wrapping me in her arms and telling me that she was proud of me, my mother never did those things, she always focused on what I could have done better. I went to school and spoke to my counselor at the time, Ms. Honey. She had a meeting with my parents in which she told my mother how ashamed she was that she didn't congratulate me on my acceptance into college, and couldn't she see what a huge accomplishment that was for me? After that meeting things got worse. After choosing Georgian Court University as the school I would be attending, there was an orientation that I had to go to. It was overnight and my mother refused to let me go, even though this is the school that I would be going to. She was afraid of all the things that could go wrong on my trip out there. So by not going to the orientation, I didn't get to register with the rest of my class, or get my own person academic adviser, setting me back before I even started. By the time I graduated high school, I was already counting down the days til college just so I could get out from under there grip of my parents. Now please note here, I am not saying that my parents should have allowed me to be wild and loose, but by being that strict, by not giving me any room to breathe, I did not know how to handle the world when I finally did go away to college because I was so sheltered and it made me rebel in the worst possible ways,hence Myspace, or I should say the internet.