A Girl To A Woman

Hi everyone, It's been a while ... I'm now currently working two jobs, don't have the time for my self, much less to blog, but today I found a little free time and decided to pick up where I left off. Now I don't know if any of you are wondering why I chose to write my first pregnancy at the end of the last blog, if you were, well here is the answer : Essence was my second pregnancy. My first pregnancy was a big shocker..... we were using condoms and after missing my period, which is always on time, I took a test and it came back positive. Shamar and I were in a state of shock. I was panicking because there was no way I could tell my parents that I was pregnant and I was more worried about what I would do with school. He was in no way shape or form ready for a child. After much discussion between him and I we decided that a baby was not in our cards at the time. Now while I was going through this dilemma , you would think that I would be able to turn to my best friend for advice and support, I got none of that. She was always incapable of being there for me when I was going through anything emotional, to shine some more light on her, I have dedicated my next blog to her. Anyway to make a long story short we lost our first child, you can use your guess work in infer what happened. After that I was no longer an innocent little girl. I struggled with emotions that I had no outlet to turn to. A few months later, I became pregnant again. This was during summer break, when I had went back to Brooklyn one last time to try to smooth things over with my parents. That was a HUGE mistake. The few days, yes I only stayed there a few days, I was forced to listen to my mother go on and on about how she didn't think that I was ready for a boyfriend and that she firmly believed that I should wait until after I graduated from college before I even considered dating... was this woman crazy?????? she even brought my neighbor from downstairs to come talk to me..... her view was that he was going to use me as a bed post , love me then leave me... like how the men in her life had treated her. It eventually came down to my mother saying that it was either I stopped talking to Shamar and continue to live that confined, suffocating life or I could just go. Now please remember that I have been fighting my mother for freedom for as long as I could remember, at this point I was tired of it all, I was going on 19 and she still wanted to have that lease around my neck, she still wanted to control, I HAD ENOUGH!!!!! So I called Shamar and told him to come get me, that is the last time I saw my parents face to face, that was the summer of 2007 and I am writing this today April 1st 2013 and I have yet to see my parents. I came back to Jersey and me and Shamar spent my summer vacation at his mothers house. It was during that time that I became pregnant with Essence. I started my second year at GCU pregnant and unsure about my future. Shamar finally got a place of his own and the decision was made that I would eventually move in with him. I hid my pregnancy for as long as I could, I was almost six moths before I started telling people. I figured that as long as I kept my grades up, I would continue school right up until I was about to give birth, boy was I wrong. Now because I was filed as a dependent under my mother, my school needed her to resend her tax papers so they could release my grants and loans so that I could continue my second year, and being the conniving , evil woman that she is, she refused to send them. She said that if I was woman enough to move out then I should be woman enough to figure out how to continue my education with out her. So because of her refusal to send in the much needed paper work, I was unable to complete my second year at college.... yea thanks MOM. Heart broken with the knowledge that I could not come back to GCU, after all my heard work in High School, I became depressed and stopped going to my class, what was the point?? I packed my bags the ending of the 2007 winter semester and I never looked back. I handed in my student life and immediately picked up the housewife, mother routine, with no break in between. I went from this sheltered, innocent girl, to a pregnant woman running a house almost over night.

The Beginning Of The Great Divide

In December 2006, I left New Jersey to go back to Brooklyn for winter break. I said Good Bye To Shamar, Packed and headed home. I was very apprehensive about seeing my parents. I had a tattoo, chocolate covered cherries on my stomach and I knew my mother was going to have a heart attack over it, and I also planned to tell them about Shamar. just as I suspected when my mother found out about the tattoo, courtesy of my brother, she looked at me with disgust and said she couldn't believe that I laid on a table and had a stranger put his hands on my stomach... I told her she was overreacting , my father agreed with me, because he also had a tattoo. Then came the big news. I remember sitting in the living room with my parents watching TV and I just blurted out that I had a boyfriend. Immediate silence followed. My mother said, what do you mean you have a boyfriend?? that's not what we are sending you to school for, please note here that I was eighteen years old, and she still believed that I shouldn't be dating. I calmly told her that yes, I was dating a guy and his name was Shamar, at this point my father left the living room. As was the case most of the time, he left when he sensed an impending battle between my mother and I. She then asked me what he did, I said he worked in a supermarket. She got up, looked at me and said  your dating someone who works in a supermarket??????!!!!!!!!  my mother is a very superficial woman, I feel I must add that to this statement so you can understand or perhaps maybe even hear the disdain and contempt dripping off her words. My mother always had to have the best clothes, the best car, we lived in the hood and she had a BMW car, she sent us both to private school, not because she could afford it, but because she felt that she was better than everyone else in the surrounding area. NO, I'M NOT bashing my mother for sending me to a good school, I'm simply stressing the reason why I went there. My mother I believe to some extent resented my father because he was a stay at home dad and he didn't work for the longest time. She would always tell me that when I was ready for a man, I should look for a WHITE man with a briefcase, because a white man knew how to take care of his woman better that a black man could. That was the ideals of my mother and that is why she asked me in such a tone, your dating someone who works in a supermarket????!!!!! I asked her in a controlled voice, although the anger was simmering in my stomach what was wrong with someone who worked in a supermarket ? she said I could do so much better, That for crying out loud, I was in college on an academic scholarship and the best thing I could find was a bum who worked in a supermarket. You see, she was totally focused on the fact that he worked in a supermarket. At this point, I feel I need to shed some light on the person that is I, so you can understand why, when I could have easily dated anyone I wanted, I chose Shamar. I have never been a female that required much. Yes I was blessed to be easy on the eyes, but I never used that to my advantage. I never chased the guys with the fancy cars, or the ones who were decked out in fancy clothes. I guess you can say I'm a wholesome girl. Now, to the skeptics, IF I wanted a man with money and the cars and the jewels, I could have, time and time again, even today as I sit here, three years single, I could have that if I wanted to.... things like that never amused or caught my eye. That is something that my mother could never understand and she never will. I simply told her that at least he had a job and was doing something productive, and not standing on the street corner. She shook her head in disgust and left the room. This was the first match to the fuse that would eventually light and explode with me leaving and never looking back. The rest of my winter break was uneventful, as I wasn't allowed to go anywhere. I spent my days trapped in the apartment, and my nights talking on the phone with Shamar. I couldn't wait to go back to Jersey. I honestly believe that if my parents were less constricting I would be writing this under completely different circumstances. In January 2007, I returned to Georgian Court, resumed my studies and my relationship with Shamar flourished even more, leading to my first pregnancy.

The Beginning Of Him And I

I hardly write these chapters back to back, but today I felt like taking a little more out of my treasure chest of memories. After giving Shamar my number, we started talking on the phone frequently.I learned that he was two years older than me and he had lived in Jersey his whole life. he had no kids, lived with his mother because he had to leave college due to him being sick. He worked at Shoprite and was a football star in his home town of Neptune. I was surprised at how comfortable I was talking to him. One night after a party on campus  he invited me and Patricia over to his house. When we arrived he initially started out like any other typical man, he started to caress me, asking me if i was hot, that I had too much clothes on. I cant explain how angry I was, that he thought that I was just some common hood rat off the street. I kept my cool however because Patricia was hitting it off with his friend. I told him, no I wasn't hot and that he was making me uncomfortable. He took the hint and eased off. That night when he dropped us back to the school, I had already made up my mind that I was no longer interested in him, I didn't even hug him before he left, but for what ever reason it was, I never deleted  his number. a few days passed and I heard nothing from him and I was pleased , thinking that maybe he figured out that I wasn't interested. Boy was I wrong. One night my dorm phone rang and I answered it, guess who it was? Shamar! As I started in my attitude voice, he told me he had been arrested for tickets and the whole time he was in jail, he was thinking of me, that he was going to write me but he didn't know the exact address to my school. That right there shut me up and my heart literally smiled. We started talking again and he would visit me on campus regularly...... however he did a complete 180, were as before he was trying to get in my pants the first night, he now came and sat all the way at the edge of my bed, no touching, no kisses nothing. It got to the point where I told Patricia and Alleyne that maybe he wasn't into to me or something. Finally one night, when he came over with pizza he gave me a kiss on the cheek. So when did we actually share our first real kiss you might be asking?? on October 12th 2006. Yes I remember that day well, It was my birthday and the school was throwing a Latin party that I invited him to. After the party he walked me to my dorm, I was a bit cold and he took off his shirt and wrapped it around me, as I opened the door to step inside, he grabbed my arm and asked for a kiss, it was on of the best kisses of my life, I felt like my heart was leaping out my chest. From that moment on that man had my heart. I started spending more and more time with him. While in class, I couldn't wait to get out so I could see him. One night while sitting in his living room, he quietly asked me to be his girl and I said yes. A few days later he introduced me to his mother, the bitch that would later ruin what ever life I had left. As you can imagine, I started spending less and less time on campus and Patricia wasn't very pleased with it., but what could I do? I was in love. Shamar and I.... well we were like rabbits lol. I couldn't get enough of him and neither could he... we had marathon sex... minutes turned into hours, where we just laid and learned about each other. This was all in the space of three months I might add.I felt like I had known him my whole life and I often wondered how did I exist with out him before? My life I felt, was finally complete.  It was winter break at school and I had to go home and tell my parents that I had a boyfriend.. I dreaded this so much because I knew my parents would make a big deal over it even though I was eighteen years old, they still thought they could treat me like I was ten. This is what lead to the ultimate break between my family and I.

Fates Alignment.... How I Met Shamar...

I have been having mixed feelings about this day. The day when I would have to start writing about Shamar. Many are wondering who is Shamar and why is it so hard to write about him??? Shamar was the father of my child and fiance. Just the mere thought of him as I sit here, sends my stomach in a roll and that old familiar, bitter sweet ache starts within my heart and that ache will continue to grow until it reaches its crescendo and hot, burning tears will pour from my soul, through the outlets of my eyes. This chapter, which will be broken down some, for it is a lot to write and very emotionally taxing for me, will be the hardest to write. I have gathered my wits around me.... here it goes.

I remember the first time I met him as if it was just yesterday. I have always believed that the ones who mean the most to you, you tend to  remember the very first encounter, the first embrace, the magic of it all, no matter how much time has passed. It was a sunny autumn day in September. Patricia, Alleyene and I decided that we would talk a walk to the little shopping plaza just a few blocks away from the school. I remember that I didn't want to go, I was having a lazy day. However, they ended up dragging me. That is why I named this chapter fates alignment because I firmly believe that I was meant to met Shamar that day. Upon entering the plaza, we went to the Chinese restaurant to order some food. My eyes immediately fell on this  guy sitting in the corner eating what I assumed to be an egg roll, he later told me it was in fact a shrimp roll. He was well built, that I could see even in his sitting position, had braids, which at the time was the biggest turn on for me and the most captivating smile. Now, because I was used to men making the first move, I glanced at him, then went and sat with my friends, thinking that he would say something to me, he instead finished his roll, looked at me one last time and walked out the door! I was floored. Yes I realize that made me sound conceited but I assure you that I am far from being that, I have never had a guy show interest through stares but not do nothing. Anyway, My friends and I went into the Shoprite, the local grocery store to buy some odds and ends. Upon leaving the store, I encountered Shamar again. and he still didn't do anything! So, (a very first for me) I walked over and started a conversation with him under the ruse that my friend Patricia was interested in another cashier that was working in the store. He told me he had no idea who the guy was, he had just started working there and as I turned away he asked " but what about you though?"  " whats your name? are you from around here?" I told him I was from Brooklyn and that I was out here for school. He then asked for my ID. I laughed and showed him... and then he looked me in my eyes and said the words that would entwine our lives forever " so, can I give you a call sometime?" I eagerly gave him my number and in that instant, with out knowing it until further down the line, I wasn't only giving him my number, I was giving him my self as well.

College Life....

In August 2006, I left my haven in Brooklyn, NY and crossed the Holland Tunnel into New Jersey to start my life as a university student. After fighting with my parents, I finally decided to attend Georgian Court University, an all girls university in Lakewood, NJ. My best friend at the time Patrica was going to be my room mate. I cannot tell you how excited I was to get away from my parents, I couldn't wait to see their headlights retreating out my life. College life was wonderful to me. No curfews , no nagging parents, parties that I could now go to freely, I felt for the first time in my life that I was living, that I had finally found the freedom that I have been yearning for. However, as with most people who go away from home for the first time, it got to my head a little and my grades fell in the first semester... that was a wake up call to me, and I quickly got back on track the next semester. My days at GCU was filled with classes, hanging with my best friend, walking around Lakewood and exploring the campus. My nights were filled with the occasional party, friends, mostly my guy friends from Brooklyn stopping by to visit, music blasting from our room and me and Patricia dancing around acting a fool. I never did make a whole lot of friends in college, then again I never was one with a lot of friends to begin with. My circle in college consisted of Patricia, Alleyne ( another friend from high school) and my self. We affectionately started calling our group PDA. There was always the occational fight with another clique but that was expected in a school filled with nothing but girls. The only other friend that I had outside this circle was a girl named Shannon. Shannon... boy how do I explain her?? lol. She was a year ahead of me and I really don't even know how we started talking. Her clique was called MSA and a lot of trouble started when MSA started Hanging out with PDA. The girlfriends of MSA didn't like us one bit and we got approached from time to time to leave their women alone lol.  She was the first girl I ever kissed and I guess I loved her in my own way. We still talk to this day and she will always hold a place in my heart. There Isn't really much more I can write about my college days because I only completed a year and a half, before my life went in the total opposite direction.

Myspace, You tube, Facebook. Coming Into My Sexuality....

In my junior year of high school, I guess you can say one day I realized that I wasn't that bad looking. I stopped being afraid of my body and instead I started to embrace it. I remember the first time I posted a picture on line. It was like a rush to read the comments, to know that people found me attractive and wanted to get to know me, but most importantly it was exciting because my parents knew nothing about it. I immediately became addicted to the internet. I was on majority of the sites, name a site and most likely I was on it. I soon progressed from just taking pictures of my face to pictures of my body. Never naked pictures, I had enough sense to know not to do that, but all my pictures were sexy and very, very suggestive. I was in a period where I loved my body and I wanted to flaunt it. This was a far cry from the girl who used to double up on her bras to hid her breasts while growing up. My friends list grew bigger and bigger, mostly on Myspace. I had people who wanted me to model, people who wanted me to be in music videos, but I always declined because that just wasn't for me. Mostly though it was just people trying to get into my pants, and I could never blame them, my pictures were all about sex. I did however met a few people over the internet that are now very near and dear to me and I will be discussing them in an upcoming section. Then there was you tube. My time on there was very short lived, but I'm quite sure there are still some videos of my antics still out there. While many people might say that I was being thirsty and starving for attention, for me it was my way to defy my parents to control something, to do something that they weren't able to have a say in. Also it was somewhat a chain breaker for me, it freed me from the shackles of my childhood abuse, it made me love my self again, and not be ashamed of the way God made me.... today I'm only on Facebook, and I must say that while some may say my pics are still a bit sexy, they are way more demure than what I had posted before. These days my mouth is more dirty than my pictures LOL...

The Distance Between My Mother and I...

Now that I've discussed  all the partners I've had in my life so far, it is time for me to regress and speak about the relationship I had with my parents throughout high school and how that led to my infamous Myspace and Facebook days. To begin with, I had very strict parents. Throughout high school, I wasn't allowed to go on dates, wasn't allowed to go anywhere with friends, all my calls were tracked, I was stifled. I would go to school and hear how the girls went to the movies, or out partying and I remember longing to be able to go out just once and have some fun. My mother and I never got along for more than a short period of time. We would always but heads over things and my father never said anything, he would just allow her to make the decisions. After a while, I started to harbor deep feelings of resentment towards her. My last year in high school, things between me and my mother got worse. I was working at the library and I took over paying my phone bill, my mother still insisted on seeing who I was calling and I started to refuse her that right. I guess you can say that I was at the point where I've had enough of the constant control. Many people wondered why I would leave New York to go to college in New Jersey, it was quite simple you see, I had to get away, it was more of a need actually. I wanted to stretch my wings and I wanted to experience the world. Even applying to colleges was a fight with my mother. I clearly remember when I got the first of many college acceptance letters, my mother read the letter and in her ignorance shrugged her shoulders and said no scholarship??? I was so hurt, In my mind I had a picture of her wrapping me in her arms and telling me that she was proud of me, my mother never did those things, she always focused on what I could have done better. I went to school and spoke to my counselor at the time, Ms. Honey. She had a meeting with my parents in which she told my mother how ashamed she was that she didn't congratulate me on my acceptance into college, and couldn't she see what a huge accomplishment that was for me? After that meeting things got worse. After choosing Georgian Court University as the school I would be attending, there was an orientation that I had to go to. It was overnight and my mother refused to let me go, even though this is the school that I would be going to. She was afraid of all the things that could go wrong on my trip out there. So by not going to the orientation, I didn't get to register with the rest of my class, or get my own person academic adviser, setting me back before I even started. By the time I graduated high school, I was already counting down the days til college just so I could get out from under there grip of my parents. Now please note here, I am not saying that my parents should have allowed me to be wild and loose, but by being that strict, by not giving me any room to breathe, I did not know how to handle the world when I finally did go away to college because I was so sheltered and it made me rebel in the worst possible ways,hence Myspace, or I should say the internet.