The Summer Of My Three Losses

The night Shamar got admitted came as no surprise to me. I knew with out really knowing that he was really sick and that what ever he had was no joke. I went to visit him in the hospital and the doctors fully explained to me what he had. His disease was called Auto Immune Hepatitis , a condition where his body did not recognize his liver and was attacking it. The steroids that he was taking at the time kept the attack at bay, but because he stopped them, his liver was destroyed.  IF he had went to the doctors much earlier as I have pleaded with him, they would have been able to remove the damaged parts of his live and gave him a half liver transplant from someone in his family that was a match. But alas it was too late for that option, he needed a full liver transplant. He spent a few weeks in the hospital, saw some specialist and they started the paper work to get him charity care so that he would be able to get the liver. During these weeks, I started my new job at Shoprite, suddenly overnight, I went from being a stay at home mom, to the sole bread winner. I had no problem with it. My love for that man was so strong that if I could have given him my liver, I would have, I would have done anything for him. We celebrated our daughters second birthday in his hospital room, he was so swollen but he kept a smile on his face and our daughter had a great time. As I turned to leave that night, he held my hand and said, don't worry, I will get better soon.... my God your so beautiful, I'm a lucky man and then he kissed my. It felt as though my heart wanted to burst threw my chest from the love and fear that raged inside it. A few weeks later, they released him into my care, they said that he was sick, but not sick enough to stay in the hospital.

As I write, my memories are flooding back, memories that I have stored far, far away and it is making this writing process all the more difficult. It is almost as if I'm now forced to confront them all.  Shamar came home completely bed ridden. He could not drive, or do much of anything. So it was almost like I had two kids. I had to take care of him and Essence while going to work. I chose the night shift so that I was home during the day to cook and watch over him. I made sure his meds were taking, I ran his bath, and when his feet got swollen, I would rub them down with raw shea butter and it seemed to help. He would watch the national geographic channel and all the channels that had fishing shows. To this day, I still cannot bring my self to watch any of those channels, and many nights as I reflect back, I cant seem to help but think that that was his way of seeing the world.... because he knew he would be leaving soon. He saw the worry in my face and he constantly told me not to worry, that we would get through this all and we would be able to carry on with our life together as planned. Even though he tried to reassure me, I saw him deteriorating right before my very eyes. He lost so much weight, that I stopped sleeping in the bed with him for fear that I would accidentally roll over and break something on him... his skin got even yellower and his pee started looking coffee brown. So that became my cycle , looking after him and the baby, going to work, coming home and doing it all over again. One Saturday morning as I laid next to him watching TV, he said, you don't love me anymore huh?  I said what?! why would you say that? he replied : because you don't sleep in here with me anymore.... he also said, let essence sleep up here with us, I want you both close to me. This conversation has haunted me on many a nights. Could it be, that he was seeing the angel of death in our bedroom and that is why he was drawing us close, as if in one final embrace?? I complied to his wishes and started sleeping in the bed again, at night I held him close and that was then and only then that I would let my tears flow. Things stayed ok for a few days and the the end came. I noticed that he started sleeping more, that he was not eating.... I had to force feed him. One night I came home from work and found essence soaked and Shamar still sleeping, just how I have left him. The water jug by his bed was untouched, which meant he had had nothing to drink. I woke him up, forced some water down his throat and he went back to sleep. The next morning around six, I awoke to find Shamar standing at the edge of the bed, He stretched, pulled his pants down, peed all over the floor , then climbed back into bed. I yelled at him, what the hell are you doing? he said what? I just had to use the bathroom.... you see... he actually believed that he had went into the bathroom. As I cleaned the floor, sobs rocked my body and  the tears flowed like a hot stream down my face.... I couldn't hold it in anymore. I called out of work that day because I knew it was no longer safe to leave him with the baby. By the end of the day, He had gotten worse. He went into the bath, fully dressed and tired to take a shower.... as I went in to try to pull him out, he looked at me with crazed eyes and started fighting me because he in that moment had no idea who I was!! As shocked as I was with the fact the he no longer could recall who I was, me, the woman whom he had shared the past four years of his life with, I knew that he had to go to the hospital. I called 911 and they sent an ambulance, he was so paranoid that they had to strap his arms and legs down to get him in the ambulance, that was the last time Shamar ever saw our apartment.

The SICKNESS

     Hello Avid reader, well at least I'm hoping that you are an avid reader of this blog lol, the three year anniversary of Shamar's death is close at hand, and you can only imagine the drastic mood change I've had during the month of June. Anyway, tonight I'm sitting here in his shirt and basket ball shorts thinking too much  and I decided to dive back into the chest of tightly closed memories of him and share a bit more. Now, the last chapter I was pulled over on the side of the road with him, trying to convince him to go hoe. Now I guess he must have heard the raw panic in my voice, or maybe he saw the wild fear that filled my eyes, whatever it was, he consented and we made it back home. That first night home, he made me and the baby sleep in the room and he camped out in the living room, a knife at hand ready to fight those who he felt were after him. When a few days went by and nothing happened, he finally calmed down and I was cruelly tricked into believing, or maybe then I was willingly lying to my self.... that he was fine and that we would be OK once again. A few weeks passed, and we laughed at how paranoid he was, he himself saying he could not believe he was acting like that. I laughed but it wasn't a true laugh, for something deep inside me still whispered that he was sick, something deep inside me stirred the deep dark worry that I had in the pits of my stomach.
      The last few weeks that Shamar had being " Healthy", he became a whole new person. Where he was frugal before, he started spending money like water. He insisted on me getting my hair done,  literally and no I'm NOT exaggerating here threw stacks (money) at me and told me to go shopping for me and the baby. Now where most females would have been happy as hell to have this happen, that unease, that bitter fear in my stomach screamed at me that something wasn't right, that this was not my Shamar, for my Shamar had always been a saver, My Shamar would NEVER give me three grand and say go get what I need, No not my Shamar.... to understand why I say not my Shamar... I will explain. For the four years that I was with him, Shamar wore the same thing everyday, a white shirt, blue jeans and his timberland boots, I would jokingly call it his uniform. He drove a beat up Buick when he could have easily had a brand new BMW cash, he would always say, no one needs to know what you have.....  so when he started throwing money at me the alarm bells went off and I worried, man how I worried.. I told him no, I'm ok and every time he gave me money, I would secretly put it back in his safe.  Finally I convinced him that he should put all the money in the bank because I was nervous that he would do something crazy with it. We went and cleaned out the safety deposit boxes and we turned everything over to the bank and yes everything was in my name...... which should tell you how much trust he had in me and how much he didn't trust his family.... I just took a fifteen minute break after writing that last line... the tears blurred my vision and I could not see the screen. Now, If you are smart I'm sure you figured out how we came by this money and if you know anything about banks and their FDIC policy, you may be wondering how I was able to but all this money there and not get investigated.... I will explain this in a chapter soon to come.

        Now, this may seem like a long period of time had pass since his first break with madness, but I assure you it was only a couple weeks. Suddenly, one day he broke out in this itch, It was an all over itch, it was like every inch of him was on fire, nothing would stop it, we tired all the lotions made for sever itch and it didn't work. Finally one night after the itching got to a point where he could no longer take it any more, he admitted that he needed to go to the hospital. We called his mother, (who by the way was absent the whole time during his crazy spell and laughed when I told her how serious it was) and she came to take him to the hospital. While waiting for her to come, I guess the itch got so bad, Shamar took a plate and threw it against the wall, it scared the hell out of Essence and I had to take her into the room to calm her down. His mother finally showed up and as she was leaving I told her, he is not coming home, she said " how do you know?" I said " look at him!, his skin and eyes are yellow, they are gonna take one look at him and they are gonna admit him. Sure enough, she called me an hour later and said yea, the nurse came out, saw his eyes and skin and immediately rushed him inside. So started his days in the hospital, and the end of my life as I knew it......

The Sickness ( Prelude)

Now, before I get into his sickness and all the madness that ensued after his death, I must go back and explain his relationship with his family. After doing this, you will no doubt understand why I was shocked as to what took place later down the line. Shamar never had a close relationship to his mother or father. She had him at a very young age and never quite figured out how to be a mother. In fact, Shamar told me that he was with me, that he loved me because I was everything that his mother wasn't. He described growing up with her as that of having a room mate. She would parade guy after guy in front of him, even messed with a few of his friends along the way. He never truly had respect for her and despised every thing she stood for. Growing up, he said she never took him regularly to the doctor or dentist like a true mother would, he was left to go and come as he chose by the age of six. As for his father, he was never in the picture. Shamar told me that he had to reach out and start a relationship. In fact, the only time that they both showed interest was when he started getting recognition for being a great football player and they thought he was their meal ticket out of town. Shamar took him self to school and while his grades weren't the best, he stuck it out and graduated high school and went off to college. Given the way he was raised, I think he could have went down a very different path , especially since he was living in Asbury NJ. Yes, My Shamar was a special man.

When I first started dating Shamar, he told me that he was sick, that he had a stomach condition but that his medication kept it under control. He revealed that the reason why he left college was that he was in so much pain there that they sent him back home to see a doctor. After he found out what he had, he decided to stay home, as he had lost his passion for football, and that was what he was really going to college for. What did he have do you ask???? Well his condition is known as Auto immune Hepatitis , a disease where his own body was attacking his liver. Of course he never explained it to me like that, he made it seem as though he had a slight illness and I had nothing to worry about. About a year into our relationship, he stopped taking his medicine. He said he did not like the way it made him feel and that he felt much better off them. You see, he was on steroids and they were making him gain weight and he did not like that fact. At first I told him that I didn't think that was such a great idea, but he kept assuring me that he was fine and I dropped it. As the months turned into years, I noticed changes in him. He was losing weight rapidly and his eyes had started to turn a yellowish color. I told him about these changes, but he always had a reason why, he would say his eyes looked like that because he was tired and he was losing weight because he was working out more. I  didn't believe those reasons, but he was very stubborn and insisted he was fine. When he came home from jail, His feet were swollen and his skin now started to get the sick yellowish tint that his eyes had,  but again he had answers for it all. A few months after he came home, he went, well there is no other way to explain it, Shamar went mad. He became convinced that people from Asbury, his best friend was trying to kill him. At the time I had no idea that he had gotten so sick that it was starting to affect his brain. For a month or more, Shamar had me and Essence bouncing from hotel to hotel because he fared for our safety. No matter how hard I tired to tell him that we were not in danger, it's like he couldn't hear me. Finally one day after driving up and down the parkway for hours, I burst into tears in the car, told him to pull over, I then grabbed his hands and said baby I love you, but I can't keep driving around like this, I pleaded with him  to take me and the baby back home. His eyes, oh my God his eyes were so yellow, he looked so caged and frightened and in that moment I saw that he really believed that he was going to be killed and my heart filled with dread. How could I take care of him? I never encountered something like this before, I wanted to reach inside him and shake him, as if to say Shamar!!!! stop it, this isn't funny any more, but I could do no such thing.... I must stop here for it feels as though I'm reliving that very moment all over again.

Life With Sha

Tonight is a bad night. The devil has perched himself upon my shoulder and he is replaying Shamar s last months of life over and over for me. So before I cry my eyes out and completely destroy the work I've done so far to my heart, I decided to write for a bit. Now life with this man wasn't a bed of roses. He wanted me to stay home and take care of the house, but sometimes when he got stressed over the bills and stuff he would yell and say that I needed to get a job, and every time I got hired somewhere he would break down and beg me to stay home. That was one of the many continuous arguments we had. Shamar was a rare find. He danced with me for no reason, came home with random gifts and always made sure that I had what I needed. He was however very frugal with money. He never spent more than he had to and insisted that we lived a very simple life. He stopped working at Shoprite and picked up something else. I won't say what at this time. Still debating as to whether or not I should speak upon it. He always said he did what he did because I came and made him want to be a better man, that he felt he had to do that to keep a girl like me. As much as he was loving, he was also over protective. He would always tell me that he was afraid that one day I would find someone better and I would leave him, no matter how much I would try to tell him that would never happen, he never believed me. He liked when I stayed home, and it took him over a year before he formally introduced me to his family. There isn't really much more to stress on our home life, he did what he did and I cooked, cleaned etc, etc. On April 19th, 2008 I gave birth to our daughter, Essence Nyota Taylor and my life changed forever. Being a mother came natural to me and she was a good baby. Shamar was a proud as can be, which relieved me because so many men that age tend to take off and not stay with their family. having a child only made him work harder and he stayed out more and more, so majority of the time I was home alone. I admit I got stir crazy because I didn't drive and sometimes I just wanted to get out the house. Essence as I said before was an easy baby. Hardly cried and was very sociable. She never crawled, one day she just stood up and walked. She stopped her self on the bottle at nine months and gave up her pacifier soon after. Her first words was DaDa and the day when she finally said  mama I swear I almost melted into the ground. We settled into a routine and things were going smooth for a while. But with the good in life, there comes the bad. There was a girl, his best friends girl, that he came home on day and told me about... he said she was flirting with him but it wasn't nothing serious and that I didn't need to get angry. I believed him, because I was naive and because I never thought he would do that to me. However when I finally met this girl, I knew within my self that he lied about nothing happening  She acted as though she was wifey and I was the intruder. I confronted him about it and he denied it completely. To this day, Only God can tell me that he didn't cheat on me. After that my trust in him cracked and I never really looked at him the same. In 2010, he got arrested  after getting a fight. He was locked up for over a month and I stayed right by his side. I made sure he had money on his books and i wrote him everyday. I never thought that I would be one day visiting someone in jail, but I did it for him, because I loved him and a real woman dose not turn he back when things get rough. When he came home, it was like he was a different man. He wrapped me in his arms the minute he walked into the door and said I love you girl... and handed me a letter, a letter in which he told me how much he loved me, how much I changed him, how I made his future bright, that him plus I equaled Essence, eternal love. I was blown away by this change. He stopped going to his friends house and he was home more. I couldn't ask for any thing more. I strongly believed his time locked up made him realize that he had all he needed at home. But with most things in my life, this period of happiness was short lived, a few months later, he got very ill and passed away. I am tempted to continue on, but alas, I'm not quite ready to face what I must write next...

A Girl To A Woman

Hi everyone, It's been a while ... I'm now currently working two jobs, don't have the time for my self, much less to blog, but today I found a little free time and decided to pick up where I left off. Now I don't know if any of you are wondering why I chose to write my first pregnancy at the end of the last blog, if you were, well here is the answer : Essence was my second pregnancy. My first pregnancy was a big shocker..... we were using condoms and after missing my period, which is always on time, I took a test and it came back positive. Shamar and I were in a state of shock. I was panicking because there was no way I could tell my parents that I was pregnant and I was more worried about what I would do with school. He was in no way shape or form ready for a child. After much discussion between him and I we decided that a baby was not in our cards at the time. Now while I was going through this dilemma , you would think that I would be able to turn to my best friend for advice and support, I got none of that. She was always incapable of being there for me when I was going through anything emotional, to shine some more light on her, I have dedicated my next blog to her. Anyway to make a long story short we lost our first child, you can use your guess work in infer what happened. After that I was no longer an innocent little girl. I struggled with emotions that I had no outlet to turn to. A few months later, I became pregnant again. This was during summer break, when I had went back to Brooklyn one last time to try to smooth things over with my parents. That was a HUGE mistake. The few days, yes I only stayed there a few days, I was forced to listen to my mother go on and on about how she didn't think that I was ready for a boyfriend and that she firmly believed that I should wait until after I graduated from college before I even considered dating... was this woman crazy?????? she even brought my neighbor from downstairs to come talk to me..... her view was that he was going to use me as a bed post , love me then leave me... like how the men in her life had treated her. It eventually came down to my mother saying that it was either I stopped talking to Shamar and continue to live that confined, suffocating life or I could just go. Now please remember that I have been fighting my mother for freedom for as long as I could remember, at this point I was tired of it all, I was going on 19 and she still wanted to have that lease around my neck, she still wanted to control, I HAD ENOUGH!!!!! So I called Shamar and told him to come get me, that is the last time I saw my parents face to face, that was the summer of 2007 and I am writing this today April 1st 2013 and I have yet to see my parents. I came back to Jersey and me and Shamar spent my summer vacation at his mothers house. It was during that time that I became pregnant with Essence. I started my second year at GCU pregnant and unsure about my future. Shamar finally got a place of his own and the decision was made that I would eventually move in with him. I hid my pregnancy for as long as I could, I was almost six moths before I started telling people. I figured that as long as I kept my grades up, I would continue school right up until I was about to give birth, boy was I wrong. Now because I was filed as a dependent under my mother, my school needed her to resend her tax papers so they could release my grants and loans so that I could continue my second year, and being the conniving , evil woman that she is, she refused to send them. She said that if I was woman enough to move out then I should be woman enough to figure out how to continue my education with out her. So because of her refusal to send in the much needed paper work, I was unable to complete my second year at college.... yea thanks MOM. Heart broken with the knowledge that I could not come back to GCU, after all my heard work in High School, I became depressed and stopped going to my class, what was the point?? I packed my bags the ending of the 2007 winter semester and I never looked back. I handed in my student life and immediately picked up the housewife, mother routine, with no break in between. I went from this sheltered, innocent girl, to a pregnant woman running a house almost over night.

The Beginning Of The Great Divide

In December 2006, I left New Jersey to go back to Brooklyn for winter break. I said Good Bye To Shamar, Packed and headed home. I was very apprehensive about seeing my parents. I had a tattoo, chocolate covered cherries on my stomach and I knew my mother was going to have a heart attack over it, and I also planned to tell them about Shamar. just as I suspected when my mother found out about the tattoo, courtesy of my brother, she looked at me with disgust and said she couldn't believe that I laid on a table and had a stranger put his hands on my stomach... I told her she was overreacting , my father agreed with me, because he also had a tattoo. Then came the big news. I remember sitting in the living room with my parents watching TV and I just blurted out that I had a boyfriend. Immediate silence followed. My mother said, what do you mean you have a boyfriend?? that's not what we are sending you to school for, please note here that I was eighteen years old, and she still believed that I shouldn't be dating. I calmly told her that yes, I was dating a guy and his name was Shamar, at this point my father left the living room. As was the case most of the time, he left when he sensed an impending battle between my mother and I. She then asked me what he did, I said he worked in a supermarket. She got up, looked at me and said  your dating someone who works in a supermarket??????!!!!!!!!  my mother is a very superficial woman, I feel I must add that to this statement so you can understand or perhaps maybe even hear the disdain and contempt dripping off her words. My mother always had to have the best clothes, the best car, we lived in the hood and she had a BMW car, she sent us both to private school, not because she could afford it, but because she felt that she was better than everyone else in the surrounding area. NO, I'M NOT bashing my mother for sending me to a good school, I'm simply stressing the reason why I went there. My mother I believe to some extent resented my father because he was a stay at home dad and he didn't work for the longest time. She would always tell me that when I was ready for a man, I should look for a WHITE man with a briefcase, because a white man knew how to take care of his woman better that a black man could. That was the ideals of my mother and that is why she asked me in such a tone, your dating someone who works in a supermarket????!!!!! I asked her in a controlled voice, although the anger was simmering in my stomach what was wrong with someone who worked in a supermarket ? she said I could do so much better, That for crying out loud, I was in college on an academic scholarship and the best thing I could find was a bum who worked in a supermarket. You see, she was totally focused on the fact that he worked in a supermarket. At this point, I feel I need to shed some light on the person that is I, so you can understand why, when I could have easily dated anyone I wanted, I chose Shamar. I have never been a female that required much. Yes I was blessed to be easy on the eyes, but I never used that to my advantage. I never chased the guys with the fancy cars, or the ones who were decked out in fancy clothes. I guess you can say I'm a wholesome girl. Now, to the skeptics, IF I wanted a man with money and the cars and the jewels, I could have, time and time again, even today as I sit here, three years single, I could have that if I wanted to.... things like that never amused or caught my eye. That is something that my mother could never understand and she never will. I simply told her that at least he had a job and was doing something productive, and not standing on the street corner. She shook her head in disgust and left the room. This was the first match to the fuse that would eventually light and explode with me leaving and never looking back. The rest of my winter break was uneventful, as I wasn't allowed to go anywhere. I spent my days trapped in the apartment, and my nights talking on the phone with Shamar. I couldn't wait to go back to Jersey. I honestly believe that if my parents were less constricting I would be writing this under completely different circumstances. In January 2007, I returned to Georgian Court, resumed my studies and my relationship with Shamar flourished even more, leading to my first pregnancy.

The Beginning Of Him And I

I hardly write these chapters back to back, but today I felt like taking a little more out of my treasure chest of memories. After giving Shamar my number, we started talking on the phone frequently.I learned that he was two years older than me and he had lived in Jersey his whole life. he had no kids, lived with his mother because he had to leave college due to him being sick. He worked at Shoprite and was a football star in his home town of Neptune. I was surprised at how comfortable I was talking to him. One night after a party on campus  he invited me and Patricia over to his house. When we arrived he initially started out like any other typical man, he started to caress me, asking me if i was hot, that I had too much clothes on. I cant explain how angry I was, that he thought that I was just some common hood rat off the street. I kept my cool however because Patricia was hitting it off with his friend. I told him, no I wasn't hot and that he was making me uncomfortable. He took the hint and eased off. That night when he dropped us back to the school, I had already made up my mind that I was no longer interested in him, I didn't even hug him before he left, but for what ever reason it was, I never deleted  his number. a few days passed and I heard nothing from him and I was pleased , thinking that maybe he figured out that I wasn't interested. Boy was I wrong. One night my dorm phone rang and I answered it, guess who it was? Shamar! As I started in my attitude voice, he told me he had been arrested for tickets and the whole time he was in jail, he was thinking of me, that he was going to write me but he didn't know the exact address to my school. That right there shut me up and my heart literally smiled. We started talking again and he would visit me on campus regularly...... however he did a complete 180, were as before he was trying to get in my pants the first night, he now came and sat all the way at the edge of my bed, no touching, no kisses nothing. It got to the point where I told Patricia and Alleyne that maybe he wasn't into to me or something. Finally one night, when he came over with pizza he gave me a kiss on the cheek. So when did we actually share our first real kiss you might be asking?? on October 12th 2006. Yes I remember that day well, It was my birthday and the school was throwing a Latin party that I invited him to. After the party he walked me to my dorm, I was a bit cold and he took off his shirt and wrapped it around me, as I opened the door to step inside, he grabbed my arm and asked for a kiss, it was on of the best kisses of my life, I felt like my heart was leaping out my chest. From that moment on that man had my heart. I started spending more and more time with him. While in class, I couldn't wait to get out so I could see him. One night while sitting in his living room, he quietly asked me to be his girl and I said yes. A few days later he introduced me to his mother, the bitch that would later ruin what ever life I had left. As you can imagine, I started spending less and less time on campus and Patricia wasn't very pleased with it., but what could I do? I was in love. Shamar and I.... well we were like rabbits lol. I couldn't get enough of him and neither could he... we had marathon sex... minutes turned into hours, where we just laid and learned about each other. This was all in the space of three months I might add.I felt like I had known him my whole life and I often wondered how did I exist with out him before? My life I felt, was finally complete.  It was winter break at school and I had to go home and tell my parents that I had a boyfriend.. I dreaded this so much because I knew my parents would make a big deal over it even though I was eighteen years old, they still thought they could treat me like I was ten. This is what lead to the ultimate break between my family and I.

Fates Alignment.... How I Met Shamar...

I have been having mixed feelings about this day. The day when I would have to start writing about Shamar. Many are wondering who is Shamar and why is it so hard to write about him??? Shamar was the father of my child and fiance. Just the mere thought of him as I sit here, sends my stomach in a roll and that old familiar, bitter sweet ache starts within my heart and that ache will continue to grow until it reaches its crescendo and hot, burning tears will pour from my soul, through the outlets of my eyes. This chapter, which will be broken down some, for it is a lot to write and very emotionally taxing for me, will be the hardest to write. I have gathered my wits around me.... here it goes.

I remember the first time I met him as if it was just yesterday. I have always believed that the ones who mean the most to you, you tend to  remember the very first encounter, the first embrace, the magic of it all, no matter how much time has passed. It was a sunny autumn day in September. Patricia, Alleyene and I decided that we would talk a walk to the little shopping plaza just a few blocks away from the school. I remember that I didn't want to go, I was having a lazy day. However, they ended up dragging me. That is why I named this chapter fates alignment because I firmly believe that I was meant to met Shamar that day. Upon entering the plaza, we went to the Chinese restaurant to order some food. My eyes immediately fell on this  guy sitting in the corner eating what I assumed to be an egg roll, he later told me it was in fact a shrimp roll. He was well built, that I could see even in his sitting position, had braids, which at the time was the biggest turn on for me and the most captivating smile. Now, because I was used to men making the first move, I glanced at him, then went and sat with my friends, thinking that he would say something to me, he instead finished his roll, looked at me one last time and walked out the door! I was floored. Yes I realize that made me sound conceited but I assure you that I am far from being that, I have never had a guy show interest through stares but not do nothing. Anyway, My friends and I went into the Shoprite, the local grocery store to buy some odds and ends. Upon leaving the store, I encountered Shamar again. and he still didn't do anything! So, (a very first for me) I walked over and started a conversation with him under the ruse that my friend Patricia was interested in another cashier that was working in the store. He told me he had no idea who the guy was, he had just started working there and as I turned away he asked " but what about you though?"  " whats your name? are you from around here?" I told him I was from Brooklyn and that I was out here for school. He then asked for my ID. I laughed and showed him... and then he looked me in my eyes and said the words that would entwine our lives forever " so, can I give you a call sometime?" I eagerly gave him my number and in that instant, with out knowing it until further down the line, I wasn't only giving him my number, I was giving him my self as well.

College Life....

In August 2006, I left my haven in Brooklyn, NY and crossed the Holland Tunnel into New Jersey to start my life as a university student. After fighting with my parents, I finally decided to attend Georgian Court University, an all girls university in Lakewood, NJ. My best friend at the time Patrica was going to be my room mate. I cannot tell you how excited I was to get away from my parents, I couldn't wait to see their headlights retreating out my life. College life was wonderful to me. No curfews , no nagging parents, parties that I could now go to freely, I felt for the first time in my life that I was living, that I had finally found the freedom that I have been yearning for. However, as with most people who go away from home for the first time, it got to my head a little and my grades fell in the first semester... that was a wake up call to me, and I quickly got back on track the next semester. My days at GCU was filled with classes, hanging with my best friend, walking around Lakewood and exploring the campus. My nights were filled with the occasional party, friends, mostly my guy friends from Brooklyn stopping by to visit, music blasting from our room and me and Patricia dancing around acting a fool. I never did make a whole lot of friends in college, then again I never was one with a lot of friends to begin with. My circle in college consisted of Patricia, Alleyne ( another friend from high school) and my self. We affectionately started calling our group PDA. There was always the occational fight with another clique but that was expected in a school filled with nothing but girls. The only other friend that I had outside this circle was a girl named Shannon. Shannon... boy how do I explain her?? lol. She was a year ahead of me and I really don't even know how we started talking. Her clique was called MSA and a lot of trouble started when MSA started Hanging out with PDA. The girlfriends of MSA didn't like us one bit and we got approached from time to time to leave their women alone lol.  She was the first girl I ever kissed and I guess I loved her in my own way. We still talk to this day and she will always hold a place in my heart. There Isn't really much more I can write about my college days because I only completed a year and a half, before my life went in the total opposite direction.